Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Should be & Should do Syndrome

Have you ever really thought about these words and how we use them? How often do we tell someone, they should be or do something? The reality is that you are telling them what they are, or doing is not good enough. We all do this to some degree, and most often it is not with the intention of telling someone they are not good enough. However, when you really think about it, that is what the underlining message sounds like?

Should of and should be are really two very negative words, depending on how they are used. Yes, you should have thought more about looking both ways before crossing the street and maybe you would not have gotten hit by the car. There is no harm in using it that way. But really the reality is that you are saying, “How stupid were you to not be paying attention when crossing the street”. LOL….There is no major harm here, however, in times when we are going to use these words in a conversation of giving advice to someone, or telling someone how we feel, this can be completely a different story. An example; “You should really be more like your sister/brother.” That is basically saying; “I would like you better, if you could just be more like your sister/brother.” Can you see the difference? We have to be careful in how we present what we are trying to say.

A friend, family member, or co- worker is putting you in a situation where you feel the need to tell them how you feel. It can be a simple conversation where they are telling you what happened in the day or a direct question to you; seeking your advice. What often can happen, is that we are quick to not listen to what they are saying, and can be too quick to immediately jump in with the “ should do or be” syndrome. And we often loose sight of really listening to whether they are just sharing or are really asking for our advice. Are often we are too quick to tell them what they should do or be based on our own experiences or our own wants.

We all come across people like this in our daily lives. They love dishing out advice, and are very quick to do so. And it seems like no matter what the subject is, or the discussion, they just take that as an invitation to tell you what you should do or how you should be.
There is huge difference when giving advice and telling advice. Giving advice in a way of helping the person seek the advice from themselves and is so much more powerful and meaningful then telling someone what to do. I guess that is why so many people really find comfort from therapists. A therapist has a way of re-directing the issue back to you, in an attempt to let you figure out what you should do or be for yourself. There is so much more power in our lives when we are able to think and live for ourselves. Telling advice is when you basically are letting your opinions, your thoughts, your needs override theirs. There is a huge difference.

How often do you do this very thing? The next time you are partaking in a conversation, think about whether you are a “listener or a teller”. And how often do you use these words; should be or should do? You would be surprised how often it can happen. Make it a mission to use them less.


Parenting with a View.....(Respect your Youth)

Remember the saying; Respect your elders? I remember being told this countless times and to this day I also teach my children this very thing. We need to respect the wisdom and experience that our elders have earned, and to not just stop there. There are a certain amount of innate ethics we all learn, whether they are respecting elders, respecting property, respecting woman, men, our boss, the educated professor, ect. We are taught this from many sources, our parents, our teachers, our family members or friends. I recently taught my son, that when an elderly person is behind him, while entering a room, he will hold the door for them. But often times, I see the need to emphasize that the youth also needs to be respected.

I often see many of the older generation becoming critical and very judgmental of the youth. The elder generation struggles to really remember what it felt like to be young. Too much time has passed. Too many years lie behind them than in front of them. They live now in a world of “telling” the youth how things need to be. They have wisdom; there is no doubt about that. They have learned a great deal in the span of their life. And much of what they have learned is based on time and experience and trial and error. But many have lost the ability to see that they can also learn from the youth.

The youth learn differently. Their view is more creative and subjective and they have imagination and fantasy and their world is not of what has happened, but what they can make happen. They have more time ahead of them than behind. There is a huge difference in this reality. The youth’s lives have not been programmed and formed based on the conceptual belief of life experience. The youth does not have the same life experiences that the older generation has. They don’t see out of the same window.

We need to have more patience with the youth. Try to be less critical and try to learn from them and try to see what they see. How frustrating it must be for the young, to always be told how they should be and how they should do things. Do we take the time to listen to them? Do we pull up a chair and ask a 13 year old or 8 year old how they feel about life or the world around them, and ask their thoughts? We always seek wisdom from elders and from the wise, the most educated, the one with the most experience, but what about the young?
So venture out in the world and ask the child, the teenager and make a sincere effort to learn from them. I bet you will be surprised how they have a lot to share and it is just as valuable as life experience.


Spotlight Movie~~~New Moon

Although I loved the Twilight and New Moon movie, the book series is extremely better. The movies can be confusing to anyone who has not read the books. The depth of the characters and how they became vampires and wolves is thoroughly discussed in the books. Enjoy!

~Charles Barlett ~

Charlie Bartlett has been kicked out of every private school he ever attended. And now that he's moved on to public school, he's simply getting pummeled. But when Charlie discovers that the kids who surround him--the outcast and the popular alike--are secretly in desperate need, his entrepreneurial spirit takes over. Hanging up his shingle in the Boys' restroom, Charlie becomes an underground, not to mention under-aged, shrink who only listens to the private confessions of his schoolmates, and makes the imprudent decision to hand out the pills he's proffered from his own psychiatric sessions. Meanwhile, at home, Charlie keeps charming his way out of an inevitable confrontation his adoring but utterly overwhelmed mother Marilyn. Then, Charlie Bartlett makes his big mistake--falling in love with the beautiful and bold daughter of the school's increasingly disenchanted Principal, who is hot on his trail. As Charlie Bartlett's world and fledgling psychiatric practice unravel, he begins to discover there's a whole lot more to making a difference than handing out pills.


Humor and Inspirational.....

There is a story of a fox, which is very similar to the tale of the boy who cried wolf. Remember that tale?
A deer was bounding in the woods, frantically trying to escape the coyote which was on his heel. The deer comes across the fox who was minding his own business and happy to not be in the line of fire. The deer finds a hiding spot and is hoping the coyote will not see him. The deer sees the fox and the fox sees him, but that is okay.
Sure enough, the coyote comes along and does not see the deer. He stops and asks the fox, “Good day fine fox, have you seen a deer come this way?”
The fox looks at the deer who’s hidden from view, and tells the coyote, “No, I have not seen such a deer,” while he motions to the coyote where the deer is hiding.
The coyote pays no heed to the fox, and continues on his way. The deer comes out of his successful hiding spot and flees past the fox.
“Hey! Aren’t you going to thank me? I saved your life.” The fox said.
“Your words do not speak your actions or what is in your heart.” And the deer continued on.
Now I ask you: “Do your words speak your actions?”


Healing the Soul….

Section I of the Avatar Course begins with theory and sets forth ideas about the relationship between beliefs and reality. These ideas are then subject to various test examinations (individually and in groups) to allow participants to determine whether such relationships do in fact exist. Students learn how to manage their attention (a key skill of leadership), identify and explore their current beliefs and develop compassion.

Section II of the Avatar - The Exercises
Perceptions of their world, effects of beliefs and judgments. How to create personal reality works.

Section II of the Avatar Course develops the participant’s ability to create reality. This often results in transforming realisations about why certain aspects of work or personal life have fallen short of their potential and how to correct this. Students learn how to unlock themselves from beliefs they are ‘stuck’ in and to align their efforts with the future they want to create Self sabotaging beliefs are exposed. They experience reality without judgment.

Section III of the Avatar course - The Rundowns
Your personal identity, deliberate creation of who you are in the world, and the ability to handle your limitations and the ability to help others.

Section III begins with a guided session, which introduces you to procedures and tools that you can use to manage your life they develop a persons ability to intentionally discreate their perceptions of reality. The Student will go through a process that allows them to separate from the most fundamental and restricting belief structures of life, and then on to completes 7 solo rundowns that enable them to address limitations, dependencies, persistent situations, interpersonal conflicts and limiting beliefs of others without confrontation.

The Mission of Avatar in the world is to catalyze the integration of belief systems.When we perceive that the only difference between us is our beliefs and that beliefs can be created or discreated with ease, the right and the wrong game will wind down, a co-create game will unfold and world peace will ensue.

Exert from LIVING DELIBERATELY by Harry Palmer
Avatar® was developed by Harry Palmer in the USA; The Avatar Course was started in 1987 and today is being taught in over 66 countries and in 20 languages. The headquarters - Star's Edge International® are based in Florida, USA.


The Compassion (Peace) Exercise
From Avatar ® Section One
Star’s Edge International®
This exercise can be done anywhere that people congregate (airports, malls, parks, beaches, etc.). It should be done on strangers unobtrusively, from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person.
Step 1: With attention on the person, repeat to yourself —
‘Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.’
Step 2: With attention on the person, repeat to yourself —
‘Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.’
Step 3: With attention on the person, repeat to yourself —
‘Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.’
Step 4: With attention on the person, repeat to yourself —
‘Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.’
Step 5: With attention on the person, repeat to yourself —
‘Just like me, this person is learning about life.’
This is an example of some of the tools that Avatar uses to help you make your own realizations about the truth of those around you…….


The Writer’s Guild

Gifts from the Sea~~~~~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“Though it deals with the essential needs, gifts, obligations and aspirations of woman as distinct from those of man, it is in no sense merely what is sometimes slightingly called a woman’s book. A sensitive, tensile, original mind probes delicately into questions of balance and relationship in the world today, and the result is a book for human beings who are mature or in search of maturity, whether men or woman.”
New York Times Book Review
The setting of her book is the seashore; the time, a brief vacation that lifts her from the distractions of everyday existence into the sphere of mediation. As the sea tosses up its gifts, shells, rare and perfect, so the mind, left to its ponderings, brings up its own treasures.

A Collection of the Best Contemporary Dog Wit
Claudia Kawczynska and Cameron Woo

A pot roast left unguarded. An open bedroom door. An ill-timed squat. Dogs seem to have impeccable timing. Yet how quickly calamity turns to comedy in the company of a dog, and the wrong moment turns out to be just the right one.


The Horoscope’s View…

November 22nd to December 20th Sagittarian

Good Points: Optimistic, loving, sincere, honest
Bad Points: Restless, careless, unreliable, unpredictable

Sagittarian babies are born with the knowing eyes. They will hypnotize you with their calmness and sense of understanding and wisdom. But it won’t take long for your baby to smile, and this will be soon be followed by gurgling laughter. Sagittarian children are the most adventurous of all the signs and need freedom to explore and experiment. But don’t be tempted to try to fool your intelligent toddler with statements like “Teddy’s eaten his breakfast, now why don’t you eat yours?” The curt and logical reply from your clever Sagittarian may well be, “Teddies don’t eat breakfast, they just cuddle!” Sagittarian children love games and sports and girls will enjoy rough and tumble play as much as boys. School will be a delight and they learn very quickly, often leaving their classmates behind but they are always patient with playmates. Little Sagittarians are free spirits so try no to put too many restrictions on yours. Encourage him to make his own decisions and be mare assertive, but never inhibit his natural instincts to explore and play. In return, his trust and loyalty will be boundless.


Hidden Expectations???

Do we have hidden expectations of those around us or of ourselves? Do we let people be who and what they are? And are we thankful for them? Do we allow ourselves to be who we are or are we always trying to conform?

We all have a vision of what we want from our loved ones, our bosses, our jobs, our spouse, children and all those in our lives and of ourselves. We may not always realize it, but we do have expectations; some we know about, some are hidden and those are challenged when things are not what we want them to be.
We seek perfection; we seek well-behaved children, honor-roll kids, beautiful wives, husbands, approval and attention from our parents or anyone for that matter. We want them to be straight, heterosexual, blue-eyed, tall and slender, the top of the class, and the best at their job. We all seek to have those around us be what we would like them to be. And why do we do that? Because it is easier to get along with like-minded people, with people that fit in our nice little clique. It is a natural human quality that we all do.

We spend a great deal of time in our lives teaching our children about respect and good manors and how to be a good person, how to be an honest person, how to be someone to look up to. Just the other night at our dinner table with my husband, daughter who is 13 and son who is 8, we had this discussion. We were talking about imitating people. How boys that wear their baseball hats backwards like the TV gangsters and wondering why you would want to imitate them. My husband told our kids; why not try to be that person people are trying to look up to. Be the positive role model, so to speak. I use to come across this same concept when I took professional motivational classes during my early years of owning a hair salon. There are the concepts such as; if you want to be successful in business, learn what successful business owners do and do it. Don’t take your advice from someone who is filing bankruptcy. But this is another topic to discus in another issue.

Remember the time old saying, which I think every parent repeats in every generation; "if you are going to live under this roof, you are going to follow my rules.” Remember that one? I sure do and believe it or not I have repeated it myself to my young children. In general, it means that there is some fundamental expectation we set for the running of our homes, our jobs, our lives. We have a certain amount of reasonable expectations that are normal to request and expect. You go to work; you follow the rules of the owner’s establishment. You go to grandma’s house; you abide by the rules of her house. If we are going to co-exist with people we need to learn how to conform to some degree. This is a fact of life and we all learn this.

But the topic for today is those hidden expectations that really are not about teaching or guiding but are about judging and holding the vitality and spirit of a person back. If you are expecting someone you love to be what you what them to be, how can they be who they are? Most frustrations in relationships stem from a disappointed expectation. Most feelings of lack of self worth, lack of self-esteem, feeling not good enough, or feeling insecure have everything to do with feeling like we are not living up to the expectation of someone else or what we have of ourselves.

When we know our hidden expectations we can address them and give them their place. We can analyze them; we can ask ourselves what they are and why we have them. Do they have to do with our own insecurities that we don’t want to deal with? Let’s face it; we all have that wanting for things and people to go our way. It is always easier to get along with things when they are going just the way we wanted them to. And when our children are behaving perfectly or our husband or wife is bouncing through the door, ready to make our day all about us. It is when it isn’t going the way we wanted that we see those hidden expectations, and when things are not going smoothly. And then our reactions take over, we respond and it is our response that we have to make sure we understand. We can then ask ourselves, are we preventing the person from being themselves so that it is easier for me and my expectations? And if so, is that fair?

We need to accept people for whom and what they are. We need to allow their light to shine bright. Even if it is so different than ours, even if it means we have to let go of our expectations of them, even if it means we have to bite our tongue. We also have to realize that each of us is on a different quest, we have different life lessons and we all are trying to find our way. We all want to be loved, we all want to be accepted, we all want to laugh, cry, scream and shout and act like children. We all want to live and love.


~~~~Living with Spirituality~~~~

Let me first start by saying that my whole life I have seen spirits. Some people may find this to be strange, weird, crazy, and some interesting, intriguing and there are those that find it comforting to know that they are not alone people.

As a child I use to see spirits during the day. I was the kid who had those imaginary friends that drove my mother crazy. “Mom, you have to set the table for my friends.” This was a common occurrence in my household. As a spiritual child, well, we are the ones that have the imaginary friends, we see things that are not there, and we have great imaginations and love to create fantasies and fairy tales. We see the world in color and love to create it as we go. We tend to be the stubborn ones who don’t enjoy having to conform, and we don’t like to have to believe what we are told.

As I got older and became a wife, and mother of two children, well, lets just say that I get distracted easily and life is busy. The spirit world is always with me, and I still maintain that gift of being able to listen to the trees, hear the call of the invisible world. I have many intuitive gifts, senses, feelings, psychic knowing that are a part of my daily life, but I have found that as I have gotten older, when a spirit wants to visit me, it is usually in the evening; waking me from a sound sleep. It is not always clear why they do. Often there is a message, sometimes something that I know for certain and then other times I have no clue at all. It isn’t always the most pleasant thing. I often sense the presence and feel my heart start to race and my body’s senses kick in. I try not being startled and when I can do that, I will understand the message, but many times no matter how much I know that they come in peace, I still get startled. My poor husband, who has never seen a spirit in his life, has had to deal with this and doesn’t enjoy the evening wake up call in the middle of the night.

My most recent experience is waking up three nights in a row with a woman in my room. The first night, I felt that awareness, that signal that there was someone in my room. My heart started to race; however, I was not able to really see anyone. I could feel that it was a female, oddly enough; it just felt like a woman. An intuitive knowing I would say. The second night she was standing next to my husband’s side of the bed. She was not very clear to me. The room was dark and all I could see was that her hair was long. As she looked at me, she was holding a candle and it looked like she was blowing it out. It was a little startling and I sort of gasped, so the moment didn’t last very long. I spent the whole day feeling like I should try to recall who she was and felt very uneasy, disappointed in myself for being startled and not allowing her to present what she wanted to. And also thinking of what the meaning was in blowing out a candle. I will be honest that at first I didn’t feel very good about it. I told my family in a random conversation at the dinner table, but nothing really came to light.

Then the third night came, and I was again woken, but this time I tried to really relax and not be startled. Even though my heart was racing, I stared at her. She was at the end of my bed, long dark hair, and dressed in what appeared to be a cape or long dark garment with a hood. She was holding a walking stick in her hand and raised her arms up, seemingly that she was about to fly away. She smiled and just looked at me. I can still see her vividly now. I felt calm for a moment and then my body started to sense my encounter and I got startled again. She was gone. That was it. I had a hard time going back to bed. Why is she coming? Who is she and what is the message?

The next day, I will be honest to say that I was a little freaked out. I have never had a spirit visit me on a regular basis. I was uncertain to the message, feeling a bit uneasy that it might not be something positive. Was it a warning, was she trying to tell me something? Generally, I keep my spiritual things to myself. I am the only one in my family that has this sort of gift and truthfully I have been known to be the Phoebe from the show Friends, in my family. I picked up the phone to text my mom, and then put it down again, uncertain if I wanted to share. But then the urge to just tell her took over. Within less than maybe 2 minutes, she calls me frantic that she knows exactly who the woman is.

After describing my visitor, my mother informed me that the spirit was my great-grandmother, Tita; who always wore a shawl and carried a walking stick. The grandmother who had gifts of her own, but kept them silent, as you did in those days. What was so intriguing was that the night before, my mom was inspired to pull out her soup recipe, thinking she might make it for Thanksgiving. And that same night, my aunt Kori, called my mom to say that she was wondering about making Tita’s soup.

My response was something to the effect of “This is just great, you and Kori get an intuitive feeling to make her soup, and I got the physical visit, thanks guys!” She did not visit me again, so I would have to say that she was more than likely wanting me to share with them that she was in deed listening and honored that they were thinking of her. And needless to say, we had Tita’s Soup on Thanksgiving.